On Getting Old

Last month I turned 31. In young single Mormon world, this is the biggest milestone of all. At 31 I have officially failed at finding a husband during my 13 (!!) years in a singles ward and am now asked to attend a family ward so as to not prey on  young, innocent 21 year old RMs.

Luckily I live in the best part of the world for this milestone. In Arlington, VA, turning 31 and being single is completely normal. This is not an entirely good situation, but it makes my transition easier. I went to my family ward for the first time on Sunday and loved it. I already knew a third of the people there and had friends in every class and was warmly greeted to the extent that there was a line of people to talk to me after Sacrament Meeting and I didn't even get to talk to all of them because Sunday School was beginning in the chapel. But the week before as I sat alone in Relief Society at my brother's ward in Idaho, I thought "this would be my life if I didn't live in DC."

As a long time member of a singles ward and Marriage Prep instructor, I have a lot of thoughts on being single and old, and I really just felt like I should share them.  I hope they might apply to everyone with whatever it is you are lacking.

Last year my bishop asked me for some advice. He said he has so many people come talk to him because they are sad they are single and he doesn't know what to say. He asked how I stay optimistic. I told them that I have realized that in life there are always going to be good things and bad things. Sometimes one will appear more prevalent than the other, but both will always exist. And the key is to focus on the good.  In my life right now everything is perfect, besides the fact that I am single. I love my job, I have plenty of money and vacation time, I love my calling and I have lots of friends and good health. Any problems I have become laughable with the response "first world problem." A prime example of this being last month when I honestly was overwhelmed because my clothes no longer fit in my closet. And yes, I would love to be married and have kids, but I need to enjoy my life today or else one day I will be married and have kids and instead worry about...whatever else it is I am lacking. For there will always be something. It is so much better to focus on what we have than obsess over what we lack.

In my years of teaching Marriage Prep my mantra has been this scripture found in the Doctrine and Covenants 123:17: "Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed."  I LOVE this scripture, and I love the concept of standing still with hope that the Lord will reveal His arm. But I equally like the fact that we have to earn that hope. I cannot sit idly by and have ungrounded hope when I have not done everything in my power...and done it cheerfully. What an excellent game plan for any worthy goal we have. I saw this principle so evidenced in my life when I was trying to find a job. I did everything in my power, and it turned out not one thing I did made a difference or helped me get a job. But my efforts did qualify me for the assistance of the Lord, and I saw his arm revealed in my life and it is still humbles me daily.

Lastly, it is hard to see everyone--and I mean everyone--get married and stand by and think "what is wrong with me?" I was talking to my roommate about how we feel the need to look nice when we go home and spend time with our families so they don't think "oh, I know why Rachel isn't married. It's because she's ugly." But really, what is worse: being single because you're ugly or because you have a bad personality? JOKE! I think when we lack anything it is easy to try and pinpoint what is wrong with us compared to other people who have what we want. I read an excellent article before saying that if you have a trial and it is because of something you did, then repent and fix it. But it if is not because of your own actions, then it is the Lord's will for you and you are to obey, so figure out what you are supposed to learn from this. This is one of the big things I preach at Institute. If you are prayerfully doing everything in your power and are obedient to the Lord's will, then trust God and that you are in His hands and enjoy your life.

I have such a strong and abiding sense of peace and happiness in my heart, and I am so grateful to the Lord that through Him I can feel that way and be happy no matter my circumstances. And it is my hope that as we each go through difficult transitions in life, or deal with wanting something that is so out of our control, that we can turn to the Lord so that our burdens might be made light. And we can enjoy ourselves along the way.